When Your Child’s Big Emotions Trigger Your Own: Why It Happens & How to Co-Regulate Together

As parents, we want to help our children navigate their emotions, but there are times when their big feelings can stir up big emotions in us too. When your child is overwhelmed, upset, or having a meltdown, it can trigger feelings of frustration, anxiety, or even helplessness in you. If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. It’s a natural response, and there are ways to manage it.

Celebrating teamwork and emotional growth through co-regulation leads to a better parent-child relationship

Why do my child’s big emotions trigger mine?

• Mirror Neurons at Play

When your child experiences intense emotions, your brain has a natural tendency to mirror their emotional state. This is part of the body’s empathic response, but it can also leave you feeling overwhelmed or anxious. You’re biologically wired to feel what they feel, which can make it harder to stay calm.

• Stress and Overwhelm

Parenting a child with big emotions often means dealing with sensory overload, difficult behaviors, or feelings of uncertainty. If you're already feeling drained or stressed, your child’s emotions may feel like the final straw. This can trigger your own emotional response—sometimes even without realizing it.

• A Desire to Fix Things

As parents, we often feel a deep need to “fix” our child’s pain or discomfort. But when we can’t immediately calm them down, it can lead to feelings of frustration, helplessness, or guilt. These feelings get tangled with your child’s emotions, making it hard to separate their feelings from your own.

• Empathy and Guilt

Many parents feel guilty when their child is upset, especially if they believe they're not doing enough to help. This guilt can amplify your own emotional reaction, creating a cycle where both you and your child are struggling with big emotions.

How to Co-Regulate with Your Child & Manage Your Own Emotions

• Acknowledge Your Own Feelings First

Before you can help your child, take a moment to check in with yourself. If you're feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or anxious, it’s important to acknowledge those emotions without judgment. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You can't regulate your child’s emotions if you're not aware of your own.

• Take Deep Breaths Together

Breathing is one of the simplest ways to help both you and your child calm down. Try the “5-5-5” technique: Inhale for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds. Do this together, if possible, to create a shared moment of calm. This helps both of you to regulate your nervous systems.

• Use Your Calm Voice

Children often mirror the energy and tone of the adults around them. If you can, keep your voice calm and steady. Even if you're feeling upset inside, speaking in a soft, soothing tone can help de-escalate the situation for both of you. It’s amazing how much a calm voice can help create a sense of safety.

• Give Yourself a Timeout (If Needed)

Sometimes, stepping away for a few minutes is the best way to regulate. Take a brief break if you need to. It’s okay to tell your child, "I need a few minutes to calm down. We can talk when I’m ready." Giving yourself this space helps you reset and return to the situation more calmly.

• Create a "Calm Down Kit" for Both of You

A “calm down kit” can include tools that help both the child and parent self-regulate. For example:

• For Your Child: Sensory toys, stress balls, fidget spinners, or favorite calming apps.

• For You: A journal, calming music, or a stress-relief ball. When emotions run high, having something to ground you can make a huge difference.

• Focus on Sensory Regulation

If your child is overwhelmed by sensory input, help them regulate by using tools that address sensory needs, such as noise-canceling headphones, soft lighting, or weighted blankets. If you’re feeling triggered by the sensory overload too, try grounding techniques like focusing on your own breath or feeling the texture of a nearby object.

• Label Feelings Together

Help your child recognize and name their feelings, which can empower them to better understand and express their emotions. For example, “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated because we’re running out of time.” Then, use that language to express your own feelings: “I’m feeling stressed because I’m not sure how to help you.” This can open up a space for both of you to understand each other’s emotions and take steps toward calming down.

• Practice Self-Compassion

Remember that parenting through challenging emotional moments doesn’t mean you’re failing. You’re doing your best, and it’s okay to not have everything figured out in the moment. Take time after a difficult situation to be kind to yourself. Self-compassion allows you to reset and approach the next situation with more patience.

• Give Your Child Control in Small Ways

When your child is struggling to regulate, sometimes giving them a sense of control over the situation can help. Let them choose what strategy to use for calming down (e.g., “Do you want to try breathing or take a sensory break?”). Feeling empowered can help them regain control over their emotions.

• Seek Support When Needed

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure, don’t hesitate to seek support from other parents, therapists, or counselors. There’s no shame in reaching out for help—sometimes talking to someone else who understands can give you the space and perspective you need to better manage your own emotions.

Remember: Big emotions are a normal part of childhood. It’s okay for your child to feel upset, frustrated, or overwhelmed. And it’s okay for you to feel those emotions too. By acknowledging your own feelings, using strategies to calm down, and practicing empathy, you can help both you and your child co-regulate and navigate those big moments together.